9 Reasons People Cheat
Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.
Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.
I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.
I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.
Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.
So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:
1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.
2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.
3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.
4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.
5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.
6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.
7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.
8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.
9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.
I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?
Posted by Rich
Related from Marie Claire:
50 Cheap Date Ideas
How to Spot Your Soul Mate
Diary of a Hook Up From heck
5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Relationship
Looking for More Love, Fitness & Career Advice? Subscribe to Marie Claire & Save!
4 Reasons Why Cheating Is a Horrible Idea
by Madeline Haller April 11, 2012, 09:29 am EDT
Individuals who cheat in relationships are less likely to practice safe sex with ALL their partners, says a recent study from The Journal of Sexual Medicine.
intimate couple in bedroom
Does she come with a warning label?
Researchers collected data on 801 individuals—308 who reported being unfaithful to a partner and 493 who were in negotiated nonmonogamous relationships (i.e., people who have an agreement with their partner to engage in sex with others). After questioning the participants in each category about their sex lives, the researchers found that not only do the cheaters have more unsafe sex, but—bonus!—they’re also less likely to get tested for STDs.
Translation: Whether you are the one getting double the action or you’re just her man on the side, both scenarios put you at an increased risk of STDs.
That said, if being at an increased risk doesn’t scare you into keeping it in your pants, the following consequences of cheating may make you want to be faithful for life.
More from MensHealth.com: Before You Flirt On Facebook, Read This
Your Penis May Suffer—Literally
You may have realized that cheating on your girlfriend is going to fracture your relationship—but did you know it can also fracture your penis? Recent research published in the journal Sexual Medicine found that guys who have extramarital affairs are more likely to suffer penis fractures than men who don’t stray. The reason? A lot of affairs involve sex acts in odd locations, including bathroom stalls, cars, elevators, and offices. “If you have sex in a weird location or a physically awkward situation where you don’t have total control over your penis, you might not be able to protect it from getting crushed,” says Andrew Kramer, M.D., the study’s lead author and a urologist at the University of Maryland Medical Center.
MORE USEFUL STUFF
3 Ways to Break Your Very Worst Habit
When Should You Break the Bro Code?
Why You Should Never, EVER Have an Affair
Is Cheating a Deal-Breaker?
Before You Flirt on Facebook, Read This
It’s Illegal and Costly
Did you know sexual infidelity to one’s spouse is illegal in 23 states? While those criminal laws remain, you’re not actually going to get thrown in the slammer for sleeping with your coworker (although you may look like a huge d-bag to the rest of the office). Those laws are left over from a bygone era, and no one’s bothered to take them off the books, says John Mayoue—an Atlanta-based divorce attorney who has worked with celebs including Chris Rock, P. Diddy, and Jane Fonda. However, cheating can affect spousal support and, in some states, division of property. How so? Well, look at it this way: If you’re spending money on lavish gifts for your honey on the side, yet failing to provide for your kids, that is relevant in court. It can be used as evidence to prove that you can afford to pay for spousal support but are choosing not to, says Mayoue.
Your Heart Is At Risk
As if getting caught wasn’t bad enough, men who cheat on their wives now have another issue to worry about: sudden death. Research published in the journal Circulation found that out of 5,559 people who died suddenly from heart complications, 75 percent of those who expired during sex were engaging in extramarital activity. What caused their hearts to fail? The researchers hypothesized that in most cases the person was either with a younger partner, in an unfamiliar setting, or may have been engaging in sex after excessive food and alcohol consumption.
Additional reporting by Andrew Daniels and Kevin Cirilli
Can Your Relationship Survive Cheating?
By YourTango Experts
Can Your Relationship Survive Cheating?This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Erica Goodstone.
Did you know that 99% of men cheat in America — and the other 1% cheat overseas?
That is a joke, of course, which highly overestimates the percentage of men that cheat. “It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage … Men are more likely than women to cheat. But, as women become more financially independent, women are starting to act more like men with respect to infidelity.”
We have probably all heard the statement that men tend to cheat just for sex and women cheat for emotional connection. I believe that both men and women cheat for similar reasons. Many men, and now almost as many women, spend more hours at work than at home.
During those work hours, they may share thoughts and feelings and emotions with someone who gradually becomes more and more sexually intriguing and desirable. Another possibility is that many people marry for comfort or a sense of security with a steady partner, and once they feel secure they can more freely connect with someone who really matches their needs and desires.
But there are many other reasons for cheating and they may have very little to do with the attitudes, appearance, or behaviors of the partner or spouse.
They seem to have gotten it all (successful career, financial abundance, suitable mate) too easily and too early to develop authentic appreciation.
They got pressured into a long term committed relationship before they were really ready to love and to serve a partner for life.
They are disillusioned with life, their career path, or qualities in their own self that they project outward onto their partner.
They have experienced a death or loss that they have not been able to reconcile or come to terms with.
They are seeking a quick fix, a momentary high, or an escape from facing problems.
They were never really in love with their partner and stayed for different reasons.
They no longer like or respect their partner or their needs have changed over time but they are afraid to let go.
They were brought up in a culture or a family that encourages or condones infidelity.
So one of you cheated and the other person knows. What do you do now?
Dealing with Cheating Fall-Out
Check out YourTango for relationship advice
Instead of running to a new and different person to assuage your insecurities and fears, I suggest that you take the higher road. Involve your intimate partner. Seek counseling together. Attempt to bridge the gaps that have developed.
Face your feelings and your fears and share that with your partner. Sometimes, in fact often, it is that emotional closeness that has been cut off making one or both of you vulnerable to outside attentions.
How can counseling or positive coaching alleviate the pain and distress of both partners when the lying, cheating and betrayal has been revealed? Isn’t the damage already done and the best solution to dissolve this painful relationship?
Yes, sometimes the best immediate solution is to end the relationship. But it is important to understand why you are choosing finality. If your goal is to “get even” with your partner, that may feel good for only a brief period of time. However, it does not erase the trauma, rejection, and loss of self-esteem or the sense that you have lost your dream of this wonderful relationship lasting a lifetime.
What choice to make depends upon many factors. What do you believe is the basic character style of your partner and what do you believe are the real reasons for the infidelity? Sometimes the betrayed partner has been neglecting the relationship and the cheating person’s needs for a long time. Some couples remain together even though both are really unhappy and it takes one person to do something different to cause the breakup.
The partner who has lied and cheated may be surprised to feel emotional turmoil if the betrayed partner decides to leave. The cheater may actually feel love for the partner he or she has hurt. The reasons for cheating may not be due to lack of love or lack of sexual desire for the partner.
This is where the problem becomes complex and one simple answer does not work for every couple and every situation. I do believe “When there is love, there is a way,” even after infidelity and betrayal. Counseling sessions can either help to salvage a fractured relationship, or they can help each person to finally understand their own thoughts and feelings and one or both may discover that this relationship no longer serves them the way it once did.
Each person can start to understand the interpersonal dynamics that led up to this point and may more easily forgive themself and the other person. Although the counseling process can be temporarily painful, the only way out is through. Once all the emotions have been expressed, each person can gradually heal as they let go of the relationship and get ready to start socializing again.
Counseling and psychotherapy are not instant gratification solutions. They provide a safe and private place to explore what is going on in your life and your relationship in light of your personality, family history, and personal dreams and goals. Before you destroy the possibility for recreating and reviving a previously painful relationship, please consider seeking counseling from a qualified professional. You may be able to salvage something worth having and recreate your relationship to become the way you always dreamed it would be.
It is possible to return from emotionally distraught, conflict ridden interactions to a state of emotional acceptance, forgiveness, sensual and sexual passion, and love. How important is your relationship to you? Are you willing to face the problems head on and do what it takes to work through them to the other side?
Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.
Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.
I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.
I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.
Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.
So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:
1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.
2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.
3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.
4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.
5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.
6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.
7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.
8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.
9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.
I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?
Posted by Rich
Related from Marie Claire:
50 Cheap Date Ideas
How to Spot Your Soul Mate
Diary of a Hook Up From heck
5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Relationship
Looking for More Love, Fitness & Career Advice? Subscribe to Marie Claire & Save!
4 Reasons Why Cheating Is a Horrible Idea
by Madeline Haller April 11, 2012, 09:29 am EDT
Individuals who cheat in relationships are less likely to practice safe sex with ALL their partners, says a recent study from The Journal of Sexual Medicine.
intimate couple in bedroom
Does she come with a warning label?
Researchers collected data on 801 individuals—308 who reported being unfaithful to a partner and 493 who were in negotiated nonmonogamous relationships (i.e., people who have an agreement with their partner to engage in sex with others). After questioning the participants in each category about their sex lives, the researchers found that not only do the cheaters have more unsafe sex, but—bonus!—they’re also less likely to get tested for STDs.
Translation: Whether you are the one getting double the action or you’re just her man on the side, both scenarios put you at an increased risk of STDs.
That said, if being at an increased risk doesn’t scare you into keeping it in your pants, the following consequences of cheating may make you want to be faithful for life.
More from MensHealth.com: Before You Flirt On Facebook, Read This
Your Penis May Suffer—Literally
You may have realized that cheating on your girlfriend is going to fracture your relationship—but did you know it can also fracture your penis? Recent research published in the journal Sexual Medicine found that guys who have extramarital affairs are more likely to suffer penis fractures than men who don’t stray. The reason? A lot of affairs involve sex acts in odd locations, including bathroom stalls, cars, elevators, and offices. “If you have sex in a weird location or a physically awkward situation where you don’t have total control over your penis, you might not be able to protect it from getting crushed,” says Andrew Kramer, M.D., the study’s lead author and a urologist at the University of Maryland Medical Center.
MORE USEFUL STUFF
3 Ways to Break Your Very Worst Habit
When Should You Break the Bro Code?
Why You Should Never, EVER Have an Affair
Is Cheating a Deal-Breaker?
Before You Flirt on Facebook, Read This
It’s Illegal and Costly
Did you know sexual infidelity to one’s spouse is illegal in 23 states? While those criminal laws remain, you’re not actually going to get thrown in the slammer for sleeping with your coworker (although you may look like a huge d-bag to the rest of the office). Those laws are left over from a bygone era, and no one’s bothered to take them off the books, says John Mayoue—an Atlanta-based divorce attorney who has worked with celebs including Chris Rock, P. Diddy, and Jane Fonda. However, cheating can affect spousal support and, in some states, division of property. How so? Well, look at it this way: If you’re spending money on lavish gifts for your honey on the side, yet failing to provide for your kids, that is relevant in court. It can be used as evidence to prove that you can afford to pay for spousal support but are choosing not to, says Mayoue.
Your Heart Is At Risk
As if getting caught wasn’t bad enough, men who cheat on their wives now have another issue to worry about: sudden death. Research published in the journal Circulation found that out of 5,559 people who died suddenly from heart complications, 75 percent of those who expired during sex were engaging in extramarital activity. What caused their hearts to fail? The researchers hypothesized that in most cases the person was either with a younger partner, in an unfamiliar setting, or may have been engaging in sex after excessive food and alcohol consumption.
Additional reporting by Andrew Daniels and Kevin Cirilli
Can Your Relationship Survive Cheating?
By YourTango Experts
Can Your Relationship Survive Cheating?This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Erica Goodstone.
Did you know that 99% of men cheat in America — and the other 1% cheat overseas?
That is a joke, of course, which highly overestimates the percentage of men that cheat. “It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage … Men are more likely than women to cheat. But, as women become more financially independent, women are starting to act more like men with respect to infidelity.”
We have probably all heard the statement that men tend to cheat just for sex and women cheat for emotional connection. I believe that both men and women cheat for similar reasons. Many men, and now almost as many women, spend more hours at work than at home.
During those work hours, they may share thoughts and feelings and emotions with someone who gradually becomes more and more sexually intriguing and desirable. Another possibility is that many people marry for comfort or a sense of security with a steady partner, and once they feel secure they can more freely connect with someone who really matches their needs and desires.
But there are many other reasons for cheating and they may have very little to do with the attitudes, appearance, or behaviors of the partner or spouse.
They seem to have gotten it all (successful career, financial abundance, suitable mate) too easily and too early to develop authentic appreciation.
They got pressured into a long term committed relationship before they were really ready to love and to serve a partner for life.
They are disillusioned with life, their career path, or qualities in their own self that they project outward onto their partner.
They have experienced a death or loss that they have not been able to reconcile or come to terms with.
They are seeking a quick fix, a momentary high, or an escape from facing problems.
They were never really in love with their partner and stayed for different reasons.
They no longer like or respect their partner or their needs have changed over time but they are afraid to let go.
They were brought up in a culture or a family that encourages or condones infidelity.
So one of you cheated and the other person knows. What do you do now?
Dealing with Cheating Fall-Out
Check out YourTango for relationship advice
Instead of running to a new and different person to assuage your insecurities and fears, I suggest that you take the higher road. Involve your intimate partner. Seek counseling together. Attempt to bridge the gaps that have developed.
Face your feelings and your fears and share that with your partner. Sometimes, in fact often, it is that emotional closeness that has been cut off making one or both of you vulnerable to outside attentions.
How can counseling or positive coaching alleviate the pain and distress of both partners when the lying, cheating and betrayal has been revealed? Isn’t the damage already done and the best solution to dissolve this painful relationship?
Yes, sometimes the best immediate solution is to end the relationship. But it is important to understand why you are choosing finality. If your goal is to “get even” with your partner, that may feel good for only a brief period of time. However, it does not erase the trauma, rejection, and loss of self-esteem or the sense that you have lost your dream of this wonderful relationship lasting a lifetime.
What choice to make depends upon many factors. What do you believe is the basic character style of your partner and what do you believe are the real reasons for the infidelity? Sometimes the betrayed partner has been neglecting the relationship and the cheating person’s needs for a long time. Some couples remain together even though both are really unhappy and it takes one person to do something different to cause the breakup.
The partner who has lied and cheated may be surprised to feel emotional turmoil if the betrayed partner decides to leave. The cheater may actually feel love for the partner he or she has hurt. The reasons for cheating may not be due to lack of love or lack of sexual desire for the partner.
This is where the problem becomes complex and one simple answer does not work for every couple and every situation. I do believe “When there is love, there is a way,” even after infidelity and betrayal. Counseling sessions can either help to salvage a fractured relationship, or they can help each person to finally understand their own thoughts and feelings and one or both may discover that this relationship no longer serves them the way it once did.
Each person can start to understand the interpersonal dynamics that led up to this point and may more easily forgive themself and the other person. Although the counseling process can be temporarily painful, the only way out is through. Once all the emotions have been expressed, each person can gradually heal as they let go of the relationship and get ready to start socializing again.
Counseling and psychotherapy are not instant gratification solutions. They provide a safe and private place to explore what is going on in your life and your relationship in light of your personality, family history, and personal dreams and goals. Before you destroy the possibility for recreating and reviving a previously painful relationship, please consider seeking counseling from a qualified professional. You may be able to salvage something worth having and recreate your relationship to become the way you always dreamed it would be.
It is possible to return from emotionally distraught, conflict ridden interactions to a state of emotional acceptance, forgiveness, sensual and sexual passion, and love. How important is your relationship to you? Are you willing to face the problems head on and do what it takes to work through them to the other side?
No comments:
Post a Comment